I told her about my critical mother and brother. The dichotomy between how my dad treats me (like a princess) and my mom (gum on his shoe, to be polite). And the associated guilt and shame I hold about that, even though his actions are not under my control. I've tried to make his stop/change. Hasn't worked. I told her about my grandmother, the only person, I wholeheartedly feel has been there for me at all times. She asked if I had anyone to talk to...I said I'd tried to talk to my grandmother, but besides worrying her she believes in the honour one should have towards their family. That means you cannot be critical of or complain about your close family members. That's a very dishonourably thing to do, so keep it to yourself essentially.
She told me that maybe that's also destructive to me, inflicting shame about the anger and hurt I feel about my family's actions towards me. I had never looked at it that way, but she might just be on to something. At any rate, I discredited that specific statement. My grandmother could never possibly be destructive to my in my life. She asked if there was anyone else I could talk to.
I told her that I thought I could talk to my best friend, Veronica. However, she's in Madagascar right now and our relationship hasn't been the same after the night of the Nerds Party...in a drunk moment of enlightenment, she says "I can't keep talking to her about my life, because she feels she can't help me/it's making her anxious." Something along those lines. I've buried the memory so it's hard to retrieve the exact words.
I've never felt so lonely or lowly in a long while. It was brought on by the realization that I have no one to talk to, but myself. It made me feel comforted when she took my hand and told me I could talk to her.
So that's what having a friend is like. They're supposed to do things like that for you, make you a bit better when you're bawling about the past and finding it hard to let go of the hurt.
She told me it's okay to kind of separate yourself from you're family when they're destructive to you like that. My family situation mirrors hers in some aspects. She told me how she'd only had one Christmas with her family in the last few years, the others she'd celebrated in their absence. And she goes, "And you know what, they were some of the best Christmases."
She continues, "At some point, I forgave my parents. I let go of the past and how their actions affected me. They didn't give me the family I needed, and it took me many years to acknowledge and be okay with that. I'm going to make the family I needed and wanted, but never had." Her advice was so courageous and hit a heart thing, I sobbed some more. Her words made me realize I haven't ever given up hope on my family's ability to become what I need it to be (but it never has been), and it was doing me harm. By not giving up hope that they could still give me the family life they didn't when I was child, I was holding myself back from moving on with my life, and perhaps even forgiving them.
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